GUILT

Guilt plays a big, gloomy part in my life, you could say guilt and I are friendenmies, except I can never seem to shake it off (or pretend I didn’t see her waving to me in assembly). Nope me and guilt are truely chained at the hip but I sincerly hope not for life because I’m working on my problems.

I have the kind of guilt that is part justifiable and part irrational. My justifiable guilt comes from many seeds of regret I have which have  over the years grown into blooming buds of anxiety. One of my main regrets although it happened years ago (five years to be precise) was when I said something very horrible about my best friend (now I know what your thinking what kind of friend does that? well I’m thinking the same thing too, but remember I was young and very stupid).

Now this thing I said about my best friend (and no I am not going to tell you what I said) but anyway it started as a joke between me and my friend then long story short I told my other friends (-which I didn’t know were total b****** who exaggerate everything that passes through there ears). Anyway while she was on holiday and they spread it around the school, exaggerating the story till it was some stupidly impossible narrative with my friend as the protagonist and by the time she came back, I was off ill but she was already faced with the gossip and stigmatised, I wasn’t there to witness it but I can imagine *cringe*, which makes me feel real guilty. Especailly when the next day I saw her at school and her face was frozen in a mask of hate but I also saw sadness there and I know I should have apologised immediately when I saw her but I just feel so ashamed that I kind of avoided her and watched my window of opportunity to apologise slip through my fingers.  

Ever since that incident I have felt really guilty, I mean no matter how many years go by and you know its not like I can’t ever truely forget nor do I think I deserve to, I think this is because I am truely a really good person at heart (coz I don’t see serial killers feeling guilty for what they do).  I mean I always try to help people- my family, try to be nice to everyone, see their good side, not be mean and everything but I am always assailed with this anxiety and overwhelming guilt which is really fustrating! 

I think part of this anxiety and guilt stems from depression as since the event mentioned above (about my friend) and also due to other guilt indusing events I have retreated from the world slowly. I started off really popular, funny and bright and descended into a miserable, prosaic, socailly immobile and detached girl, I mean its like the only feeling I can feel is the bad- guilt, anxiety, sadness etc. I don’t know if the root is the school incident with my friend but I think it has a major factor, to do with my mother suffering from depression, she has always been able to feel the things more acutely sadness and hurt, she was always so sensitive- for example she would bawl her eyes out if she saw a person on the TV cry. 

I think I have inherited this high senstivity from her, which I think is a by-product of depression, as although depressive people feel slightly detached and lost in the world, I believe they can also feel pain more acutely. This is a very self- destructive condition as sometimes I feel myself participating less and less in socail situations, then talking less, not answering phone calls etc. Till I have no more friends in the world and I feel more alone and punnish my self even more every time I see friends going out or etc. Like a part of me wants to destroy myself and be alone.

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