Guilt plays a big, gloomy part in my life, you could say guilt and I are friendenmies, except I can never seem to shake it off (or pretend I didn’t see her waving to me in assembly). Nope me and guilt are truely chained at the hip but I sincerly hope not for life because I’m working on my problems.

I have the kind of guilt that is part justifiable and part irrational. My justifiable guilt comes from many seeds of regret I have which have  over the years grown into blooming buds of anxiety. One of my main regrets although it happened years ago (five years to be precise) was when I said something very horrible about my best friend (now I know what your thinking what kind of friend does that? well I’m thinking the same thing too, but remember I was young and very stupid).

Now this thing I said about my best friend (and no I am not going to tell you what I said) but anyway it started as a joke between me and my friend then long story short I told my other friends (-which I didn’t know were total b****** who exaggerate everything that passes through there ears). Anyway while she was on holiday and they spread it around the school, exaggerating the story till it was some stupidly impossible narrative with my friend as the protagonist and by the time she came back, I was off ill but she was already faced with the gossip and stigmatised, I wasn’t there to witness it but I can imagine *cringe*, which makes me feel real guilty. Especailly when the next day I saw her at school and her face was frozen in a mask of hate but I also saw sadness there and I know I should have apologised immediately when I saw her but I just feel so ashamed that I kind of avoided her and watched my window of opportunity to apologise slip through my fingers.  

Ever since that incident I have felt really guilty, I mean no matter how many years go by and you know its not like I can’t ever truely forget nor do I think I deserve to, I think this is because I am truely a really good person at heart (coz I don’t see serial killers feeling guilty for what they do).  I mean I always try to help people- my family, try to be nice to everyone, see their good side, not be mean and everything but I am always assailed with this anxiety and overwhelming guilt which is really fustrating! 

I think part of this anxiety and guilt stems from depression as since the event mentioned above (about my friend) and also due to other guilt indusing events I have retreated from the world slowly. I started off really popular, funny and bright and descended into a miserable, prosaic, socailly immobile and detached girl, I mean its like the only feeling I can feel is the bad- guilt, anxiety, sadness etc. I don’t know if the root is the school incident with my friend but I think it has a major factor, to do with my mother suffering from depression, she has always been able to feel the things more acutely sadness and hurt, she was always so sensitive- for example she would bawl her eyes out if she saw a person on the TV cry. 

I think I have inherited this high senstivity from her, which I think is a by-product of depression, as although depressive people feel slightly detached and lost in the world, I believe they can also feel pain more acutely. This is a very self- destructive condition as sometimes I feel myself participating less and less in socail situations, then talking less, not answering phone calls etc. Till I have no more friends in the world and I feel more alone and punnish my self even more every time I see friends going out or etc. Like a part of me wants to destroy myself and be alone.

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Is this a movie or real life?!

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Youth Indoctrination:Birthright Israel & The Israeli Esperience – World’s biggest militaristic projects for youth

remind you of something…..Hitler Youth?

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France persecutes BDS

“CAPJPO is asking everybody to host this video in solidarity with their struggle against this spurious accusation of racism, which targets political expression, uses laws against racism to defend war crimes, and is a scandal given the magnitude of the real racism that is spearheaded by the state of Israel and defended by this judicial action.”

So please host this video.*

The cited activists also ask everybody to write to

Monsieur le Procureur de la République
près du Tribunal de Grande Instance de Paris
Palais de Justice 14, quai des Orfèvres,
75001 Paris, France,

and ask to be included among those charged for racial incitement. We should be proud of being “accused” of associations with such BDS actions against Israeli apartheid. To be accused of racism by such racist rascals is a badge of honor.

Please let the Paris court know that this is not a “French” matter. It is a universal human rights matter, and we’ve taken notice! We must fight against injustice and to do that we need to stand together!

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Israel is a racist state

I am writing this article following the news report that hundreds of migrant workers (whom Israel invited into the country to build their homes and do menial jobs) and their children, who were born in Israel, are being deported from Israel as: “part of a government effort to preserve the Jewish character of the state.”  Which effectively means only Jews can live in Israel. To me this seems bigoted. Jews have been living all around the world and yet Israel is virtually closed off to non-Jews. It is these kind of actions, by the Israeli government that strengthen the view, that Jew’s hold the view, of their own supremacy to everyone else, which ultimately creates antipathy towards them. Generally the attitude and actions of the Israeli government remind me, ironically, of Hitler’s doctrine on the German superiority and Aryan race.

Personally I feel, like many, that the state of Israel should not even exist. I mean what gives people a right to take the homes of others? Now if we’re going to go down the line of reasoning, that the Israeli’s use that: “God promised the land to Jews”. Well to an atheist this would seem completely incomprehensible defence. However, if they’re arguing from a religious stance, I must point out that many Jewish Scholars (such as Rabbi Yisroel Dovid Weiss), dispute that claim of entitlement of the land and have spoken out against the existence of the state of Israel. And many Jews have refused choosing to travel from Paris, America, the UK and other affluent western countries to live in the houses of poor Palestinian’s, while Palestinian people look on from their refugee camps. Furthermore if we’re talking about Israel’s existence being right on a religious basis, does that also mean that the Torah condones Jews to take measures that include mass murder of innocent men, women and children? How can the Israeli Defence Minister, justify such slaughter, in 2009, with the defence that: they are dropping bombs on the mass population of Palestinian people because the “terrorist are hiding in schools and amongst the civilian population.” It is absurd and a crime under international law; to drop bombs on innocent people on the hope of killing terrorists (and it unfortunately one in a long list of war crimes Israel has committed). Perhaps the Israeli Minister’s have read Hitler’s famous Mein Kampf and are taking a leaf out of his book? Why they are allowed to get away with such inhumane war crimes is beyond me. I mean I’m not including all Jews in my condemnation of what has going on; I am lobbying against the Zionist Jews that presently control Israel and think that it is valid to bomb innocent people. However I am also, rightly, going to put the deaths of innocent Palestinians on the citizens of Israel because of their complete feigned ignorance and maintained silence to the atrocities occurring on their doorstep and also if the Zionists did not have any support in the form of inhabitants, then their would be no justification to their crimes. If the citizens of Israel broke their silence and publicly protested against their Zionist government and condemned them for the injustice they have treated the Palestinian’s with, which morally is the right thing to do, then they could live in Israel more peacefully and perhaps in a later date work towards co-existing with the Palestinian’s.

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George Galloway is my hero!

George Galloway is, in my opinion, the only brave British Politician who is unafraid to speak the truth and to speak out against injustices occuring in the world. Currently he is one of the founders and member of left wing Respect Party. Watch his speeches on Youtube:

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Pope Joan by Donna Woolfolk Cross

Intelligent, young Joan rebels against medieval social structures that forbid women to learn. When her brother is brutally killed during a viking attack, Joan takes up his cloak and identity and enters a monastry, where her intelligence, wisdom, compassion and healing powers become well- known. Eventually she ascends the ranks and becomes the first (undiscovered female) pope.

The story is rife with history, it is well researched and set in a medival period, which gives us a vivid imagery of the historical climate at the time. The protagonist, Joan is a very likable character and if your a female reading it, you kind of get a feminist thill that she is an intelligent woman rising in a male- dominated profession in a male- dominated world (even though they do not know she is a female). Also it is so refreshing to read about a female protagonist, in an historical period, being intelligent, independent, resourceful and basically not constantly relying on men.

According to the blurb of this novel Pope Joan may have actually be a true story, as it is supposedly a legend that it is related in historical documents, which is what Cross based the novel on. Wow! It’s amazing to think that a women could have actually fooled everyone into thinking she was a man and had served as the Pope.  

This book did not get boring for me, in fact I could not put it down and finnished it all in one day (which says alot since it usually takes me about three days to finnish a book). I found Pope Joan really intresting. I loved the character, the setting- which the author makes familiar and I also liked the fact that the author added dimesions to the protagonists and included a kind of romance into the mix where Joan finds love but also becomes driven by power.

Overall I reccommend this novel it is a great read, as it is lightly written but also intelligent, fast-paced and very entertaining. Enjoy:)

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